Feed on

This are the words in which I want to hear and long to hear but because life can be a bitch, this sentence is not affecting me!! Instead I am the one who is saying this to what seems like everyone else around me.  Seriously is there a secret code or a handshake that needs to happen that I don’t know about that you need to understand before you can get the stork to deliver to us?

Growing up I have always said in a joking context that I am going to have my baby delivered by stork….(due to seeing and hearing stories of babies being brought into the world) but some how I feel that my stork has gotten lost along the way and has been given the wrong directions in their path to delivering me my baby!

Upon hearing news that my best friend in the whole world has just fallen pregnant has just broken my heart for a few reasons! As she started having children (she had found her soul mate and started creating a beautiful family who I love and adore) I wasn’t in that stage of my life to do this as I was still single.  Then finally when I found Todd and we started a life together my best friend and I talked about having our babies together.  This is where it gets a bit hard…….These plans were becoming more real as Todd and I began to get serious and started doing adulty things like moving in together…looking at places to buy and even the big marriage talk.  It all was also happening at the time in which our health issues were becoming a part of our lives.  So plans that I had made with my best friend became a back focus while Todd and I concentrated on our health getting back on tack.  Then the kicker was that we got told we couldn’t have children and then had to start a new chapter in our lives which consisted of IVF and what this meant for us to have our baby.  This was quite an emotional time for us dealing with this news…..then I got news that my best friend found out she was pregnant. This put me into a downward spiral of loss, despair and dam green eyed monster which broke us (my relationship with my best friend) for a little bit.  I cried and cried about this….I love my best friend like you wouldn’t believe..she is an amazing amazing person who deserves the best….but this news broke me and I didn’t know how to deal with this. Firstly she has done nothing and I mean nothing wrong she has done something that is natural and women are designed to do.  This event was something that I had to come face to face with and admit…YES I was so jealous….why couldn’t it be me that falls pregnant so easy?? I then felt shame and anger at myself for reacting this way! At a time in which should be full of joy was full of ugly, jealously and feelings of failure.   So one thing I did in which I acknowledge is I should not have done is backed down and I didn’t contact her for a little bit as I didn’t know how to deal with the news….this broke me and broke me big time.  She is my best friend and I distanced myself from her.  It was not fair for her and fair for me….finally I decided enough is enough I need to call her and explain.  Boy when I did I had tears flowing as we both talked.  She mentioned she thought SHE HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG!! Oh my goodness this broke me as she had done nothing wrong and I told her this! It was my way of dealing with everything of being not able to conceive naturally and hearing her news! We had a good talk and we are back on track and that I explained that it was all me and I had to deal with things and I was sorry that I made her feel like it was her fault.  Friendship back on track and I stressed that I am wishing her the best and I am soooo over the moon that she is having a baby!! (If you are reading this, I love you and you are the best person in the world, it was my way of working through these feelings like I mentioned to you on the phone. You are a strong loving mother, wife and best friend….I cant not have you in my life, you mean the world to me and I am sorry that that happened, but we are stronger and I love that you are there for me through this journey)


Another thing that I was dealing with was the news that Todd’s sperm reading was great….so this reflected to me that I was the reason why we were not falling pregnant when his swimmers could see the light!! I went into this feeling of failure and my body is broken….that something women are born to do I cant do! I remember laying face flat on my bed tears flowing with thoughts of failing at life and I remember saying to Todd that I would understand if he walked out the door without looking back based on the fact that I couldn’t give him what most women can…a baby!  He stopped me in my thoughts right away and stated that we didn’t have any evidence that it was me (as we hadn’t had any test done apart from my PCOS diagnosis), he was failing as well with the surgery procedure and that he loved me well before we found out that our journey would be a bit of a side road in regards to being a family of more than just the two of us. I know that he tried so hard to help me move past these thoughts, however; the thought that when we were not trying but trying I was still not able to fall as easy as other women could.  That sense of failure is still sitting within myself, and I don’t think that it will ever go away!! no matter who or how people tell me that its not my fault!

I will continue to hold on to hope that we will become parents and that the sentence of “Your pregnant, congratulations” will be directed at me!!



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