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We made it!!!!

We did it!!!! we made the list!!!! We are on the waitlist for our ivf treatments!!!

So we went into the appointment not knowing what the outcome would be…and boy we were surprised!!!

The lady we met for our appointment was super supportive. She wanted to know about my history and stuff. She then asked about my height and weight….this was something that I had been dreading!!!! but it was super relaxed as I told her and then told her how much I had lost. She was so impressed with how much weight I had lost she proudly put me on the list!!! I have to get some blood test done when I have my period for finding out about my egg quality..(which I am a bit worried about) and need to send my scans that diagnosed my pcos into the clinic.  But its happening!! I am so happy!!!

We were so over the moon and I started asking a million question.

We got the letter yesterday AND its has been the letter we have been waiting for.  This letter is so exciting and so now the wait begins for us to start our journey.

I am hoping that we don’t have to wait to long….I am hoping that we will be called up after 6 months.  So I have decided that next year in June I will be starting to take the woman’s multi vitamins for producing good eggs!!

But for now we can relax a little bit, knowing that we have a journey which we know will test both of us!!

So just like the title says….today can change our future!!

Today is the day we get told whether we are on the public funding list!!! Today is the day that we have been waiting for a very long time for.  However it did not happen like the previous post I wrote about.  This appointment is a day earlier.

Last Friday we got a phone call stating that our appointment has been cancelled and that they placed a new date on.  This new date was for the 13th December about two weeks after the first appointment….I was not happy.  So Monday (This Monday just been) I rang them up, stated that I was not happy at all because we had been waiting for this appointment for such a long time and had been emotionally ready for this date.  The lady then had a look at the appointment and found that there was an opening on Thursday at 330.  So without a second thought I grabbed that appointment.  Then I got on the phone and thought about it….SHIT…FUCK…it was in three days time!! My bmi was coming down but I didnt know that it would be enough.

So after some drastic measures I have gotten my bmi down to 32!! Exactly!! I am over joyed at this so much.

Now its a waiting game to the appointment!! I am nervous even though I am at bmi requirements!!

Will write another blog soon…



This is a letter which came in the mail the other day.  This is a letter which means so much for the journey so far and for the continuation of the journey that we are on for our dream of becoming parents. This letter has been a long time coming and could change and will change the outcome of our future. As you can see this is a letter in which myself alongside Todd have been waiting for, for a very long time.

You see this letter is to confirm our very first appointment on the 1st December 2017 with Fertility Plus! This letter is one step forward in our journey with infertility and IVF.

This letter also means that this date is the date in which it all rests upon my shoulders (oh and the Dr who is seeing us and who makes the decision) to have made the 32 BMI reading to then be put on the waitlist.  This is the date where all the hard work that I have been putting into my health pays off! This is the date that the Dr will see not just that I have been losing weight for being placed on this list, but also I have been losing weight to get healthy (long before we ever knew we would be using IVF).

The night that Todd and I got the letter we were sitting down on the couch and dreaming about our future together!  Is it wrong of us to do this? Is it wrong of us to assume and want the best for our future?  We were dreaming about the future and putting the dates in our minds of when it could potentially happen for us to be successful at our rounds of IVF and have the family that we have been dreaming about.

We worked out that if we are placed on the list that day, then it would be this time in a year that we would maybe be starting our treatments.  The wait list time for Auckland is about 12 months, however the information that we have gained highlights that people constantly drop out of the list and the wait time gets shorter.  So we are hoping that our wait time on the list will only be about 11 – 12 months and no longer! So like I mentioned before this time next year we could be starting our treatments.  This would also lead us into January or February 2019 we could be pregnant! This is the year in which we have chosen to get married! We have chosen our date for November 2019.  So give or take a few months by the time we have our wedding in November I hopefully would have either given birth or be nearly about to have a baby!  Wow imagine that! That would be some year for us! But somehow I feel that that is the year in which it all is going to happen for us! I don’t know why I am getting this feeling but I can’t stop feeling that this is the year that it will all happen.

Part of me want to start buying little things in preparation for a baby! For example I keep seeing all these cute little outfits that I would like to purchase, or have seen a cute soft toy that I feel needs to come home with me.  But Todd doesn’t want to start buying stuff so soon, just in case things might not work out the way that we both want.

But I am also being realistic about this as well, as I know that IVF cycles don’t always have the greatest success rates first time around. But I want to buy these things and live in hope. For me I feel that if I feel positive then positive things are going to happen.  I want to so buy these things and live in hope, but at the same time I want to have the same understandings around this journey that Todd has.  However I am hoping that all of the work that I am putting my body through, that this hard work will pay off and the prize be a healthy embryo which sticks and grows into a beautiful baby!

So until December 1st rolls around I have to keep sticking to my routine of making healthy choices and exercising as much as I can (despite the arm constantly giving me the most painful pains in the world, but that’s another blog….and another  x ray and ultra sound day) to get to my goal of making the BMI level of 32 for public funding list and join the thousands of other couples from around New Zealand waiting for their turn to try and create a baby through the wonderful world of science!

If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture
Or just let it slip?”

These are the words from Eminem’s song lose yourself…..these are the words in which capture what I think we need to remember when we go through IVF and the preparation that is needed to happen in order for our IVF cycles to be successful! Why not?

So that is what I have done, I have taken over reading everything I can about IVF and what I can do to increase my chances of my body working to allow us to have a family! Why not?

One of the first things that I have done is lose weight (as you have read it is going well), joined some support groups through facebook, brought and read cover to cover “It starts with an egg” By Rebecca Fett where I followed her suggestions and have brought a fertility bracelet to wear!, researched as much as I can about IVF and what it entails and read other blogs about other people’s journey’s on the IVF roller coaster.

But let me tell you this! It is so overwhelming to read all this information  and read other people’s stories of the highs and lows of fertility treatment! I am so scared of so many things within this journey.

One of the biggest things I am finding is that there is huge amounts of pressure placed on the female to firstly get her bmi down to 32, have her body get regular cycles, go through countless amounts of blood tests, scans, inject herself with medicines (which from what I have read so far turns her into an emotional monster who has no control over her ability to withstand partners just breathing), to allow her body to create eggs full of strength to get through to the important stage of making it through to being transferred into her body where the embro has to stick.  The women then has the pressure of her body keeping the pregnancy viable.  Then the women has the pressure of giving birth! Seriously all the man has to do is provide the little swimmers! But at this point I do understand that the male feels horrible that this is the only thing they can do.  When talking to Todd about this he has said that he feels like he has been benched in a sports game and isn’t allowed to help the team win the game! He feels guilty that all he has to do is produce his swimmers and watch as we go through this turmoil with our bodies.  (I am going to get him to write a blog from a male’s perspective which will come soon)

But then this is the hand we are dealt so instead of sitting a pool of self pitty, we are facing this head on and first thing first is to put into place suggestions that Rebecca Fett has described in her book to help produce good egg quality. She suggests eliminating products with BPA products from your life…SO out went plastic from our house and in came glass, wood and metal.  I use glass containers from serving food through to storing food, wooden utensils when it comes to mixing things and metal bowls and measuring cups! I also do not handle dockets from supermarkets or other places as BPA is found in the paper that they use to print these onto.  I have also tried to get fresh and organic as possible.  But sometimes its hard and can be expensive.  I have also changed our cleaning products and my beauty products to natural and free from phthalates (Which is a chemical found in cleaning and beauty products).  I love the smell of my natural beauty products.  I have also made the decision to not dye my hair or get fake nails.  This is something that has made me sad, but I know I am doing it for the well being of myself and the eggs I want to provide.

In the next few months I will also be looking at taking vitamins in which will increase my fertility and also looking at fertility acupuncture.

Like I mentioned before we are going to be given limited chances to get this right, why not take the steps to help now.  I know that what I am doing may seem silly to other people, but this is so important to us, I don’t want to get to the stage and say we should have tried this…..

Like the book’s title states “It starts with the egg” so I am doing everything I can fucken do to help. As I am staying a big FUCK YOU to infertility and the reasons why we are here!!!

End note: These blogs will also contain swearing, I am being frank and honest and feel that I am entitled to write exactly how I am feeling.

The journey into IVF is one in which I never thought I would be a part of.  I never imagined that on our journey to becoming parents and extending our family, we would not be one of the statistics you hear about in regards in infertility! But then again I guess no one actually does.

But alas this has become our life so far and I know we will continue to be interwoven into IVF and what it actually means for us to have children.  So far in our blog post you have read about how we became to be on this journey.  This blogging has been one of many debates both internally and externally for us as individuals and as a couple as we make our way though this emotionally and draining IVF journey.  I have been mulling over in my head about firstly writing a blog, and secondly whether to post it.  Posting it would mean putting our journey out for the world to see.  IVF is kept quiet and often not talked about among others…why?

Well for me it felt as if I was failing as a women to not be able to do something so natural and something we as women are designed to do.  For Todd I know he feels a sense of failure at the same time; that he failed to be able to help in the process he is meant to do as a male! So for both of us that sense of failure was on high.  I think next would come judgement from others surrounding this failure and lack of knowledge surrounding infertility.  This to me is why infertility and IVF roads are kept quiet and taboo.  But why should it happen this way? Why should we keep hush hush over something that is as I am finding out more common than people think about? I am finding that the more I communicate about what we are going through, the more support there is out there from other families going through the same thing.

It does get to me sometimes when a) people comment on my lack of children or questions surrounding if I have children or not and the reason why (It’s not as if I am not trying…but then again they don’t know my story and my reasoning why I don’t have children), B) it becomes so easy for people to fall pregnant and then some of these parents end up mistreating these innocent children and C) the process of adoption within New Zealand compared to other parts of the world.

I am so scared that we only have a few chances to fall pregnant through the gift of science and the chances of successful pregnancies drop after the age of 35 due to the quality of female eggs dropping.  If we are given the chance of try, why not try everything we have to get it right first time?

So this blog is about Todd and my journey to becoming parents.  We ask that you respect us and what we write on here, as this is a huge thing we have to go through.  However I want to put our journey out there for a few reasons.  One being it is our way to document what we are going through (highs, lows, positives and negatives that will come our way) and to highlight the journey to others who will be embarking on their own IVF journey’s.  We want to change the way people view IVF and infertility.  Please don’t have pitty on us, please support us on this journey we are embarking on!

For us it is the fight of our lives we are embarking on.  We are not going to give up until we have a baby in our arms!! We are never going to quit!


NOOOOOOOOOOO!! I just sat there and laughed at the doctor as she gave me the results of the xray of my arm! But before I tell you more I will explain how I got here in the doctor’s office laughing at her when she said you have a fracture in your arm you need to go into a cast.

It was a rainy morning but Todd and I decided that we needed to go for our morning exercise of running/walking.  It was only rain it wouldn’t hurt us….oh I had no idea that in fact it would hurt me! We made our way down a street which was steep, so I decided to walk down it slowly as I didn’t want to injure myself as too was happening to us in the next month so best to play it safe.  However, I did not know that my life was going to change the moment I stopped running to walk.  My footing gave way as we went down a steep part.  Todd being the man he is grabbed me and tried to save my fall, (bless him) but I still landed funny on my right hand.  It hurt but not to much and carried on with the walk and the rest of the day.

Then when we were heading up to see his parents in the car my hand and arm started to hurt like hell, I got tingly sensations up my arm and my arm started to swell and a lump had formed.  I ended up heading into get it looked at where xrays revealed a squiggly line down my arm!

The doctor said she wanted to place me into a cast.  It was at this point I looked at Todd and started to laugh….she can not be serious….A CAST!! SERIOUSLY!! NOOOOOO, FUCK FUCK FUCK was all I could think of….My timing in things in my life has not been on point and I don’t do things by halves.  So when she said cast I laughed! In that instant my life I began to worry about the timing and impact this was going to have on so many things and especially our ivf appointment where I need to have a bmi of 32!!

So off I went to get the cast put on!! As you can see I was not happy about this!!

But Shit does happen and I just have to roll with what life has to throw at me.  I had two choices in which I could make….I could look at it as a failure, give up and just let it over take me and my life….or I could just say fuck it I am not going to let this stop me from achieving some pretty important goals.  So being me I decided that I was NOT GOING TO LET IT RULE MY LIFE! I had goals in which I was working towards to I decided to say fuck it lets move on and still focus on whats important…losing the weight and getting on to that list!  I must admit I did have a day where I wallowed in self pitty and pretty much was like why me! But then I actually hated the negative feelings that I was experiencing with this! So I got back up and carried on!

One of the things I couldn’t do was compete in the tough mudder which I was really upset about, instead I ended up being the support crew for the team, which I loved being. My team mates all felt bad that I couldn’t compete with them, but they stated that they were out there because of me and that they wanted to make me proud by doing this! Next year we made a pact that I would be with them and we would be competing in the full one…a joke was made that I was to be banned from exercising the week before the comp! What an achievement for my team mates! I was so proud even though I was so ready to compete, but mud, water and physical activities did not mix with my broken arm.  The look on my face in this photos shows it all how Im feeling at the start of the race! 


I am determined to get through this rough patch, I am exercising despite my arm being a bit broken. Like the photo says I am not letting this broken arm get me down and stop me from reaching my goals!!!


So Todd has been referred to the fertility clinic and so have I…which is amazing and life changing.  But somehow this very important appointment date has turned into a shit show and has left us feeling confused and frustrated at the lack of people’s knowledge of how to read forms!!

Todd’s done his part for his part in us making a baby; he can relax (even though he feels frustrated and his feelings of being not helpful and a failure are popping up and down at any given moment) I need to take charge of this baby making journey train! I don’t want to and would rather it wasn’t left up to me and my body to decide our fate of if we can have a baby or not!

So anyway I needed to have bloods taken on day three of my period…which being my body didn’t come when scheduled (surprise surprise, I am hoping like hell that aunty rosa is nice to me when we are engaging in our ivf cycle at some stage).  So when it finally did I was like Yay praise be…I am on the track to our appointment! See at this point we were told that we could pay for our first appointment.  But Todd and I talked about it and decided to wait for our free appointment as with the free appointment it takes about 12 weeks to hear from the fertility clinic for a date, and two I was still getting my bmi down to 32 so the extra time would help my bmi level!

Well we waited and waited and nothing back in regards to an appointment time.  We rang the doctor who said that my referral had been denied as Todd needed to have a sperm analysis done! But he had that done when he froze his sperm.  My doctor sent in the form again stating that it had already been done.  Yet again it got sent back with the same thing! Seriously we were getting so annoyed, we were on the phone to the area manager of the fertility clinic who told me what I needed to do.  I did this and still we were getting the same thing back!

We went to my doctor and demanded to know what was happening and why this was going through.  Todd was so angry and I was so frustrated that I pleaded with him to make the appointment regardless of time frame or cost! But deep down I knew we needed to wait for my bmi level to drop!

Finally my doctor managed to get hold of someone who infact read the whole form correctly and I was rung with the confirmation that I had been accepted for an appointment with the fertility clinic for an appointment to get on the wait list!

Holy crap Shit got real in that moment…..I was told to wait a few weeks and I should have my date…but being me I couldn’t wait and decided not to and rung in after a week of waiting! I had a date!! We had a date for our appointment!! This one appointment!! I couldn’t stop crying as shit just got real! I came to the realization that I needed to lose another 8kgs in I think 9 weeks at that point! I thought crap oh nooooooo!!

Holy crap I started to panic! Seriously then ever before there was so much pressure on me to lose weight to get on that list! I went to my personal trainer and cried to him, stating shit got real and that I need to do this. He looked at it from a different angle and said okay lets set this goal but not make it one in which has huge pressure on it.  I had seen an event that I wanted to partake in next year…the tough mudder! Its a military style course that we do as part of teams. It was going to do be smack bang in the middle of when I needed to lose weight for the appointment so why not! Ok I said lets do this! Then a team got together and we started doing boot camps which was a lot of fun and I started making new friends! I wanted to do this even though I had no idea what I was in for!!

I also needed to knuckle down with my eating again, and decided to give Papps another go.  This time I noted that there was changes to the plan than what they gave me last time.  Included in this support from Papps was a body scan which showed you how much body fat you lost, muscle mass you gained, water retention, bmi reading and a few other body things which helped illustrate a healthy body.  They also coach you each week supporting you through the journey that you are going on.

I had my first scan and I lost 2.8 kgs of body fat! So this was a good start!

I am so glad that this appointment has happened and am so focused that when we leave that clinic we will be on the wait list!!

And this is exactly what I am doing!! I chose this year that I would not let my weight affect me in anyway shape or form! I have had some health issues which I believe have had help with how much weight I have had on me! This is  me January 2017…I weighed in at my heaviest….111kgs!! This was something that made me cry and it was the biggest that I had ever been!

Todd had met me at my heaviest!! I cant believe that he met me at my heaviest I have ever been!! Like seriously why or how could he fall in love with me when at that stage I didn’t love or even know myself? He told me and still tells me that he fell in love with the person inside of me and that he loved me for who I am as a person, but being that person who has struggled for years with confidence it did little to make me believe it.  Anyway I decided that if he can like me for me then why can’t I?  So after some health issues and being diagnosed with PCOS I decided that something needed to be done (at that stage we didn’t know that we would be infertile) in order for us to have a family and for my pcos to calm the fuck down to let me be a normal female! So I decided that I needed overhaul my lifestyle which included being real about my weight and not push it off to “I’ll do it Monday”.  I said to Todd shit is about to get real as I am going to overhaul my life.  I needed to change to see the beauty that Todd saw in me! Todd bless him decided that this was going to be journey in which we needed to make together if I was going to be serious about this.  So we both plucked up the courage to join the local gym.  This has been something in which I have denied for so long as I was scared to go the gym and the judgement I feared would come in joining the gym from other gym goers.  But this was a fear that soon was lost as I walked in the doors of Just Work Out and finally admitted I needed help.  Todd was going on his own health overhaul as well….he was giving up smoking!! (This was going to be a fun household….my cut of bad foods and his smokes what a fun time we were about to have!)

I decided that if I was going to lose this serious amount of weight …about 30kgs I needed to do it right first time….and one way I could do this was having a personal trainer! I was introduced to Dan who was at the gym and this has been something in which I am sure was destiny! He has been my support in so many ways, not just fat killer or someone who yells at me to do 50 more reps of leg extensions! He has been a person who has made me see that I can do something if I put my mind to it! We set little goals and I was upfront with him why I needed to lose weight! He was real with me and over time has pushed me further than I ever thought I would get to!

Soon weight started to drop off…which I did not think would happen! But like any weight loss I lost motivation at some point and I hit a wall where no weight came off and I started to think what was the point! He was there every time with support but it was only so much he could do for me…I had to do the rest.  So I looked at my eating and what I was putting into my mouth and decided that I needed help in that part as well.  So I came across Papps Nutrition which introduced me to eating smaller meals throughout the day and I was back on track again.  It was no easy feat and was so draining getting use to that way of eating! But the weight started dropping off again!! By the end of the program plan of 6 weeks I had lost another 10kgs! Which was huge!

I went back to my doctor as I was still having issues with regular periods! It was funny as she just about fell over at the change that I had gone through.  She decided to refer me onto the fertility clinic even though she did warn me that I probably wouldn’t get an appointment due to having a high bmi reading.  At this point it had come down from over 40 at the beginning of the year to around 37.  But I quickly learnt that for the appointment you can pay money to get the appointment, but to get it free you need to have a bmi of 32.  I quickly began to hate the Body Mass Index! It was and still is a stupid way addressing how healthy a person is just by their weight and size.  So I began to look at my weight loss from another important angle….in order to potentially start a family I needed to get my BMI down.  This was happening as Todd’s health was declining and the need for that important surgery.

So I continued with losing weight making myself healthy and supporting Todd! All was on track I started to get regular cycles with continuing to lose weight.  Then we were hit a hard tall brick wall….surgery was going to stop our chances naturally conceiving! IVF would be our only chance of having a baby!

This meant that my weight loss needed to happen and happen fast!  Suddenly it went from just having a healthy body and outlook on life turned into okay I need to lose weight for us to have a family.  The BMI was rearing its ugly head again and started taunting me.  The reason being with IVF to increase the chances of falling pregnant women need to be at a BMI level of 32 exactly! But I thought to myself okay stop, you have gone from a BMI of over 40 at the beginning of the year to a 35ish, an effort to be proud of.

July this photo was taken of myself and it shows how much I have changed!!

This was at the point before I needed to kick my weightloss in to over drive.

So eating changed so many times, tears were shed at the gym when I couldn’t push my body hard enough and things got rolling again.

Today as I am writing to you, I am at my lowest weight I have ever been at. I know that this journey is not over, but I look at myself in the mirror and can honestly say I am proud of what I have achieved so far….I have lost a total of 18kgs when the right photo was taken.  I am proud of the healthier new me that is emerging.  I am starting to love myself for more than just what I look like.  Hell look at what has happened so far…look at what we have gone through to get to where we are!!  I am loving the fact that clothes that once were way to tight for me and didnt fit me are now too big to even wear! I love seeing the progress that has been made.  I love that I am putting my health first above everything else!! I love life! Even though life you can throw some bitchy things in my way….I know that I can achieve my goals! Look at this photo it shows so much more then the words I am writing!! 


This are the words in which I want to hear and long to hear but because life can be a bitch, this sentence is not affecting me!! Instead I am the one who is saying this to what seems like everyone else around me.  Seriously is there a secret code or a handshake that needs to happen that I don’t know about that you need to understand before you can get the stork to deliver to us?

Growing up I have always said in a joking context that I am going to have my baby delivered by stork….(due to seeing and hearing stories of babies being brought into the world) but some how I feel that my stork has gotten lost along the way and has been given the wrong directions in their path to delivering me my baby!

Upon hearing news that my best friend in the whole world has just fallen pregnant has just broken my heart for a few reasons! As she started having children (she had found her soul mate and started creating a beautiful family who I love and adore) I wasn’t in that stage of my life to do this as I was still single.  Then finally when I found Todd and we started a life together my best friend and I talked about having our babies together.  This is where it gets a bit hard…….These plans were becoming more real as Todd and I began to get serious and started doing adulty things like moving in together…looking at places to buy and even the big marriage talk.  It all was also happening at the time in which our health issues were becoming a part of our lives.  So plans that I had made with my best friend became a back focus while Todd and I concentrated on our health getting back on tack.  Then the kicker was that we got told we couldn’t have children and then had to start a new chapter in our lives which consisted of IVF and what this meant for us to have our baby.  This was quite an emotional time for us dealing with this news…..then I got news that my best friend found out she was pregnant. This put me into a downward spiral of loss, despair and dam green eyed monster which broke us (my relationship with my best friend) for a little bit.  I cried and cried about this….I love my best friend like you wouldn’t believe..she is an amazing amazing person who deserves the best….but this news broke me and I didn’t know how to deal with this. Firstly she has done nothing and I mean nothing wrong she has done something that is natural and women are designed to do.  This event was something that I had to come face to face with and admit…YES I was so jealous….why couldn’t it be me that falls pregnant so easy?? I then felt shame and anger at myself for reacting this way! At a time in which should be full of joy was full of ugly, jealously and feelings of failure.   So one thing I did in which I acknowledge is I should not have done is backed down and I didn’t contact her for a little bit as I didn’t know how to deal with the news….this broke me and broke me big time.  She is my best friend and I distanced myself from her.  It was not fair for her and fair for me….finally I decided enough is enough I need to call her and explain.  Boy when I did I had tears flowing as we both talked.  She mentioned she thought SHE HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG!! Oh my goodness this broke me as she had done nothing wrong and I told her this! It was my way of dealing with everything of being not able to conceive naturally and hearing her news! We had a good talk and we are back on track and that I explained that it was all me and I had to deal with things and I was sorry that I made her feel like it was her fault.  Friendship back on track and I stressed that I am wishing her the best and I am soooo over the moon that she is having a baby!! (If you are reading this, I love you and you are the best person in the world, it was my way of working through these feelings like I mentioned to you on the phone. You are a strong loving mother, wife and best friend….I cant not have you in my life, you mean the world to me and I am sorry that that happened, but we are stronger and I love that you are there for me through this journey)


Another thing that I was dealing with was the news that Todd’s sperm reading was great….so this reflected to me that I was the reason why we were not falling pregnant when his swimmers could see the light!! I went into this feeling of failure and my body is broken….that something women are born to do I cant do! I remember laying face flat on my bed tears flowing with thoughts of failing at life and I remember saying to Todd that I would understand if he walked out the door without looking back based on the fact that I couldn’t give him what most women can…a baby!  He stopped me in my thoughts right away and stated that we didn’t have any evidence that it was me (as we hadn’t had any test done apart from my PCOS diagnosis), he was failing as well with the surgery procedure and that he loved me well before we found out that our journey would be a bit of a side road in regards to being a family of more than just the two of us. I know that he tried so hard to help me move past these thoughts, however; the thought that when we were not trying but trying I was still not able to fall as easy as other women could.  That sense of failure is still sitting within myself, and I don’t think that it will ever go away!! no matter who or how people tell me that its not my fault!

I will continue to hold on to hope that we will become parents and that the sentence of “Your pregnant, congratulations” will be directed at me!!



Wait, What? What Do You Mean We Cant Have Children Naturally??

“I hope that your family planning is complete as after the surgery he is no longer able to have children” are the words that made our whole world come crashing down.  These are the words in which we were given two minutes before my partner was to be wheeled into the operating room.  Those are the words that no young couple who were just starting to think about having children should have to hear.   These are the words that you should not be hearing minutes before your partner was about to go under for a major surgical operation.

But before moving forward with this story I will give a bit of background information about who we are and how we got to be in a place where our world came crashing down with those words.

I am 32 year old female happy and content in a wonderful loving relationship.  I had the world at my feet; a wonderful job, happy and loving home life and had finally met the man of my dreams who was supportive and believed in everything that I did.  Todd is 44 and is an amazing guy who puts other peoples needs first before his!! He is my rock, I don’t know what I would do without him! How we met was a whirlwind romance that I only ever dreamed of having but not expecting to meet.  From the first moment we met we clicked and embarked on all the wonderful experiences of a new relationship.  We moved in together after some time of going back and forth to each other’s places.  Not long after I had moved in with him my health issues started to come to the surface and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  This all made sense to me as soon as I got the diagnosis! It explained issues like not having regular periods and a few other things that I had with this syndrome.  So I decided that in order to overcome this and to get my health back on track I needed to put myself first! So I embarked on an overhaul of myself! My partner met me when I was at my heaviest and told me that he loves me and fell in love with me for who I am as a person and not what I looked like or how big I was! But in saying this he also was very supportive of my lifestyle journey I was embarking on.  He joined a gym with me and made changes in his life to help me with journey.  So after a lot of sweat, grumpy mood swings (on things like over eating like a kg of vegies a day instead of a chocolate bar, or going to the gym for the 6th day in a row) and tears I was seeing results….losing 5, 10 and 15kgs.  I went back to the doctor and she nearly fell over with the change in my body and health.  All of my issues with cholesterol, blood pressure and other issues I was having had rapidly dropped.   I was starting to have regular periods.  This was all happening and made me feel good about life.  My partner and I started talking about having children and we started to plan (but not plan if this makes sense) having a family, as both felt that we were ready to do this.

However his health started to decline and we found out that he had (at the time and what we were told) issues with his prostrate and would need surgery.  So he was put on the public list and the waiting began.  Over this time he met with a surgeon which discussed the surgery which was called a TURP.  Which involved the shaving of his prostrate and a small cut in his bladder.  My partner asked twice leading up to the surgery about the operation affecting his ability to have children naturally.  Twice he was told that this wouldn’t and he would be able to have children.  So we didn’t think about this and continued on with life as best as we could with his declining health issues.  But soon his health had declined so much that he ended up in hospital for a night and a catheter full time until his surgery.  This was not the news that we had expected, however we both were aware that this needed to happen and once again continue on the journey of life.  This journey included frequent hospital trips due to infections and painful kidney problems.

After a few months of living like this the day of his surgery arrived and we were filled of hope and relief that this day had finally come.  Everything was normal as normal could be with going into surgery. The checks were done and a surgeon who we hadn’t met before (due to my partner seeing a private surgeon but couldn’t afford the fee and went to the public list) came in and introduced himself to us.  He seemed nice and very open and told us exactly what was going to happen.  He then looked at us both and said those words “I hope that your family planning is complete as after the surgery he is no longer able to have children”.  Time just stood still and I think that the surgeon could tell by the look of confusion and heart break in our faces we were not expecting to hear those words.  I said no we are just starting to plan to have children and start a family.  His face just dropped, and he paused for a moment and he then said with the procedure the sperm will not travel out but in fact travel and end up in his bladder.  The chances of us conceiving then will be nil.  My partner and I looked at each other and burst into tears! My heart broke into a million pieces for not only myself but then also for my partner who was being told he could no longer do something he was meant to do!! The surgeon then asked us but at the same time knew the answer by our reactions of if we knew or not! My heart break turned into anger, angry at the private surgeon who told us twice it wouldn’t affect us.  How could he be asked twice and then continue to give us wrong answers of something so important and life changing.  We were left alone by the surgeon to process the news.  I didn’t know what to think or do.  All I could do was lay down on the bed beside my partner and comfort him, catch his tears while at the same time allowing my tears to fall and my heart to break.

The surgeon came back and informed us that because of this news and where we were at in regards to planning a family he decided to put the surgery off and discuss options with us so that we could keep trying for a family.  The options were self – catheterization every three hours or having a catheter placed in his belly until we had finished our family.  But one of the first things I said to my partner was that I needed and wanted him to get better so he had to go through with the surgery.  I knew that if he didn’t go through and we took the other options then he would resent me due to having one of the options.  He said he wouldn’t but I knew deep down he would.  So we decided that we would continue with the surgery and look at options when we had recovered from this event.  However the surgeon decided that because we had this emotional news that we were not in the right head space for surgery to happen.  So we were sent home a few hours later totally heart broken, confused, and at a loss of what to do next.  I must admit that the surgeon was very understanding and gave us his personal phone number and we could call him with our decision.  This made me feel a little bit better knowing we had his support on this discovery.

Over the next few days we were on an emotional roller coaster that we both wanted never wanted to go on.  One thing was certain was that we knew what we wanted and were determined to get answers.  We called the surgeon who then gave us a surgery date of two weeks later! We were over the moon that this date was closer than we thought we would get.

My partner went to his doctor who in turn gave him answers and advise and ended up being referred to a fertility clinic where he got some advice. He decided to freeze sperm.  But this wasn’t an easy process to go through as he had a catheter that had to be taken out before making deposits and then replaced after.  He had to do this three times before the surgery.  I felt so bad and had my heart break all over again every time he had to go through this painful process in order to get his swimmers out into the world.

The new date rolled on for surgery and we were in a much better state for this to happen.  It happened with no issues and currently his health is returning to where it was before we met!

But now I needed answers in regards to what would be the process for us to have children through IVF and what this meant for us to be able to have the children we so want to have.

I know that this is going to be an interesting ride in this journey to parenthood!